I need a bigger house

Not because of greed or social status or any of that shite, but so I can get a bigger bed. So I don't get elbowed in the chuffing noggin late at night.

*grump, grump, grump*

Dear Sexist Child (A response to getting sexually harassed while minding my own ******* business taking my kid out for a walk)

Never has writing something in rhyming couplets been so therapeutic....

Dear Sexist Child
A mum, a child, a sunny day
Met some youths along the way,
While walking in the local park,
And it wasn't even dark.
First, there came a piercing whistle
(A finger raised up in dismissal)
When with unfettered erudition,
One made the mum a proposition.

The much maligned young Casanova
Yelled from a place that's quite far over,
"You've got one kid, do you want another?"
"Give that poor dear boy a brother."
"You know you wants it, yes you do"
"I'll even loan my special goo"
And next he offered explorations
Illegal in a host of nations.

The mum did think, "perhaps I'll dodge
that close encounter with your splodge,
Plus shouting filth behind a hillock
gives proof you are a total pillock.
I will not fear, upon my life
A fool too young to buy a knife,
Some youth today are running wild,
You grim and rotten sexist child."

The angry mum kept walking up,
To find a shirtless callow pup,
Say "He really fancies you, you see"
"So this should make my loins go "SQUEE"??
Thought mum, while praying to herself,
That spunky boy stays on the shelf,
Or least by order of this sweet lament,
Is grounded until retirement.

And so I end this sorry tale,
Of youthful misadventures (male),
I'd rather bite the cyanide tooth,
Than take up with a sexist youth,
You did not win, you sorry soul,
My peace you broke upon that stroll.
This mum can now take all her solace,
Because she called the Edgar Wallace.

That bloody woman...

It's very difficult to talk about Katie Hopkins, primarily known for resigning from The Apprentice and engaging in al fresco sex with married fellas, without resorting to schoolyard jibes about her appearance and kicking all the furniture and pets within reach, while simultaneously frothing at the mouth and spitting obscenities.

Well that's the effect she has on me.

Her latest zinger is claiming that Kelly Brook is "a chubster" and that any working woman "can be a size 8" just like her, and that they should just "eat less and move about more".

So far, so simplistic.

I'm not tall, but even at under 6 stone 13lbs/97lbs at one point in my life, I was never a size 8. What I'd like to know, what would she recommend doing in my case, as I am blessed with a sturdy frame? Is someone going to come out with an all new bone-slimming diet? Should I grate myself on a full length sanding block to get my body down to achieve the necessary proportions? Or can I narrow my shoulders and ribcage purely by force of will?

Yet again, we see this lining up of slimness being passed off as virtue, or "if only they can exhibit the same amount of will power as me, then they will be perfect". Virtue is being kind to people, virtue is not the ability to get into a dress size. If the world is full of tactless TV trolls like Katie, I'm moving to Mars.

In which halfwomanhalfbadger decides the world is madder than a bucket of monkeys on mescaline in a blender

WHAT!!!! WHAT!!!! WHAT!!!!

New blog

One of the things that I tend to bang on about a lot is body image.

So I've decided to do something about mine and take up a challenge for 8-ish weeks and I'll be blogging about it here The 40 Ouch 8 Week Challenge. Weird that, not that the title isn't a giveaway.

At the moment, it seems to be me whining about the parlous state of my core muscles...

Talk about going full circle.

Crown Court Sentencings to be Televised

Every now and then, I get a creeping feeling that in 2010, I awoke one May morning into a grim political dystopia, probably muttering the entirely futile words "Look what you've done now..." and "I didn't vote for the bastards, it's your own fault".

Oh wait, oh dear, that did actually happen.

So despite driving 500,000 to such depths of poverty through benefits changes, under-employment or unemployment that they have to rely on food banks to survive, making it easier to sack the people who are, by their labour, underpinning your economy, doesn't appear to be enough.  Where A girl called Jack is faced with the challenge of raising a child on £10 a week.  Of course, all the while the 1% scoff the gourmet burgers, trouser their healthy bonuses/expenses and have a right old chuckle about how many people they've put out of work this week. (Apologies - Link to the Daily Mail).

We are in the tail is wagging the dog territory here. The government are meant to be serving us, sensibly and fairly, and to a certain extent, protecting the populace from their baser instincts. Besides if you fancy baying at the TV, we already have Jeremy Kyle so if you feel the urge to berate people with chaotic lives with an intriguingly loose moral framework, Bob's your uncle. Though if you prefer your vowels rounder and your suits better cut, you can always catch Boris on Question Time or HIGNFY - Or there'll be something on somewhere about Alan Clarke - Shaky grasps on certain social and moral subjects R' Us apparently.

I'm probably being terribly naive here, but I thought the mark of a civilised society was supposed to be that despite the level of your despair and desolation, if you committed a crime, you were treated soberly and respectfully by the justice system and not exposed to the indignities of public sentencing and public punishments. You know, like we used to do, and it was apparently terribly barbaric and unfair?

That is all this is, the government state that it appeals to the need to see justice done, but if anything, it appeals more for our desire for collective revenge. Our baser instincts. While all the time, our rights are eroded when we're distracted by a pantomime of justice.

Showing sentencing on television isn't constructive or likely to build trust in the justice system, it's public flogging or throwing rotten tomatoes at someone in the town square.

Stuff that I learned yesterday....

1. That the world really doesn't care that you've got a bit of knee stubble. This is real life, not Heat magazine and a gigantic red circle is not going to suddenly appear around whatever perceived mistake you've made with your grooming.

2. Fake tan, if applied with a cautious hand, does not necessarily make you look like a clementine in a frock. 

3. Sometimes accidentally buying a dress that's 2 sizes too small is not a disaster.

4. It's possible to bruise your pelvis.

5. That parents, who find that they rein themselves all the time, will, once the cocktails have kicked in, suddenly develop Tourette's (or is that just me?).

6. Eating like a ravening frothing carb beast is the key to preventing hangovers. Small child has been playing the tiny squeaky trumpet and due to general freshness, I don't want to curl into a ball and rock in a corner...

7. Newcastle is awesome x